We are all a conglomerate of our past lived experiences. They shape how we think, how we act, how we treat others. Our spiritual life is marked by the experiences we have had.
In the 1990's I started going back to church. I somehow got in a women's Bible study group that met monthly. It wasn't really a Bible study, but more a group of Christians who got together and did a short lesson, then socialized. I only went a couple times and then I was invited to a dinner with the group at someone's house. At the time I didn't know much about the Bible, I certainly hadn't read it, and I viewed the women around me as being better Christians than I was. We are all sitting around eating and talking and a woman, who was a regular at church and had grown up in that church and who possibly invited me to join the group, started speaking. This woman had a daughter the same age as mine and my daughter had been to their house to play and her daughter had been to our house. She started telling us that her daughter had asked for a classmate to come to their house to play. She told us she had to explain to her daughter that while she had to go to school with black children, they would not have one over to their house. There was an audible gasp. Then silence. I looked around the table waiting for one of these "mature" Christians to say something and none of them did. You could tell everyone was uncomfortable, but no one spoke up. And so little old uneducated Christian me said something like, "I let my children play with black children." Not the most profound thing for me to say. Everyone looked at me and one woman said, "I do too." I don't think I said anything the rest of the dinner. I left shortly afterwards. I never went back to the group. Where were the Christians who would speak up against racism?
I was an occasional church goer for the next few years. And then my daughter was going through confirmation classes and so I joined a Sunday School class while she was in confirmation class. It was all couples and me. The teacher was usually not prepared and had us go through the short lesson together and answer the questions. Remember I didn't know much about the Bible and I would ask a ton of questions. I'd ask like, "Why do we believe that?' or "Why don't we take that literally?' And I would see people in the class roll their eyes at each other like I had asked the stupidest question. Or perhaps I was coming off snarky in the abruptness in which I asked the questions. I do have a way of doing that and I've been working on controlling my tone for years. I have improved. But there I was, really wanting to learn and having people roll their eyes at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet. Then one Sunday it was after a presidential election and they got talking about a particular candidate. I sat there and heard the ugly things they said about this man and it was the candidate I voted for. I knew then they didn't want the likes of me in their class. I believe after that I sat in my car in the parking lot reading while my daughter went to confirmation classes. And then I'd take her to the church service. Where is the kindness and encouragement extended to those immature in their faith?
For that decade I was what I call an occasional Christian. I occasionally went to church. I occasionally prayed - usually only when I needed something as if God was a wish fulfiller for my every desire. I call my prayers back then "air prayers." Nothing substantial. Just little prayers thrown up asking God to do something for me. That was the extent of my spirituality.
Right after that my very normal life fell completely apart. I couldn't function. If you have ever been in that deep dark scary pit, you know. If you haven't been there, then thank the Lord. It is a terrifying place to find yourself.
I was at a neighbor's house for a going away party for someone. I made a fairly short appearance. I walked home. It was dark and pouring down rain. I sat down on my driveway, leaning up against my garage door, soaked to the bone and cried out to God. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to die. I begged Him to save me. And I made Him a solemn oath; if He did, I would be all His. He did. I have kept that oath.
I was invited to a new church. There I was invited to a women's Bible study group for women suffering from depression. Of all things! Talk about divine intervention! That group no longer exists although it had a good eleven year run. In that safe group I began to read the Bible and learn. I began to heal. I signed up for classes at church. I served others. I served for years in the church's bookstore and I got a job at a Christian bookstore. I read and read and read the Bible. And then I really began studying it verse by verse. I started leading a women's Bible study group way back in 2006 that met weekly. And I began teaching Bible classes. Nine years ago I started this website and connected social media accounts. I've led my current weekly Bible study group since 2016. I knew so very little 23 years ago at the time I made God that promise.
God has used these experiences to change me. Oh, He still has a lot to teach me. But compared to where I was then and where I am now - my heart has grown three sizes! Just like the Grinch. Smile.
But I have a confession to give. I am not a member of a church. And I feel really bad about that. We studied Acts last year and it really resonated with me that Christ established the Church. The purpose was to grow the kingdom of God. We visited several wonderful churches as part of our study. It was a good experience. God impressed on my heart that I need to be part of a Christian community - using my gifts, serving, encouraging, giving,... I was letting my Bible study group fill my Christian community needs. But we weren't really doing corporate worship and I wasn't serving the community and church. Oh I'd go to church weekly - either in person or online and spend hours each week in Bible study. But He clearly impressed on me what I was missing. He wants us to be part of the Church.
My church journey has been the church denomination I was infant baptized in and confirmed into and I stayed at that denomination. Then my dark pit experience and afterwards I went to a large community church for many years. Then a little Baptist church. The reason I left these churches was things just changed. Staff changed. The climate changed. It was just time. And I knew it. I started visiting churches. I wanted a church with a women's ministry. I wanted one that would let me teach the Bible classes I had developed. I wanted one fairly close to my house because I had trouble driving at night. You would think that wouldn't be too complicated to find a church that met those criteria. It was.
I found a church that I thought might work. It was near my house and it had a women's ministry. They offered Bible classes and I started going to one on the Keywords of God. It was good. The people were nice. The service was very good. I felt this could be it. I told a couple of my dear friends I was thinking of joining there. But this church was complementarian. That means a woman cannot hold a church office or teach Bible classes except in the context of the women's ministry. No women in church leadership that might have any authority over a man. This really bothered me. I have never belonged to a church that was complementarian. I thought I could get by this one thing, but I started to feel uncomfortable about it.
Months of going there and one Sunday I asked a man at the church what I would have to do to join the church. I explained to him that I was baptized, confirmed and grew up in a Presbyterian Church USA and had belonged to the Presbyterian USA church down the road for years. This was a Presbyterian PCA church. I was well aware of the differences. He told me I'd have to come to a weekend class. It was like a 4 hour class one day and than a 4 hour class the next day. I may remember that wrong. It was a lot of hours though. I said, "Is that necessary since I was raised in the Presbyterian Church? Couldn't I just meet with the session and sign a confession of faith? I know exactly what I believe and why I believe it." And he told me in a nasty way to go home and when I had submitted to come back and take the weekend class. Okaaay. His response ruffled me. I would have taken the class if I had to, but the offensive way he said it just turned me off. I figured out being at an egalitarian church mattered to me.
What is really bizarre about this story is I got together with my friends for breakfast and the one asked me if I was joining that church. I said no and why. And she said she was so relieved. Then she told me about something that had happened at that church and how she knew it was true. Oh wow.
Then the pandemic hit and I went to online church.
When churches reopened, I got lazy. It was just too easy to watch online in my jeans and sweatshirt with my cup of coffee and give online. But it wasn't the same worship experience and I knew it. The Church is to give glory to God and corporate worship matters. So does encouragement each other and building relationships.
The church hunt continued. I kept thinking am I being too picky?
I've finally found a church I really like. I occasionally go to Sunday School there. I like their service. I like the minister. The people seem very friendly. They let women hold leadership roles and to teach! I've read their website - their about, their statement of faith, ... Check, check, check, check on everything. My husband likes this church. He said it reminds him of what he grew up in. Me too.
When I go to Sunday School at this church I don't participate. I just sit and learn and observe them. They have no idea I know what I know about the Bible. They have no idea I've had this website nine years or taught Bible classes at other churches. The only time I said anything was somehow they got talking about the Jews and their beliefs. I happened to mention the mezuzahs Jews hang on their doors with the Shema in it. And I quoted Deuteronomy 6:4-6.
“Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart."
As soon as I spoke I thought in my mind, be silent, be anonymous. After Sunday School a nice man came up to me and asked me how I knew that. I told him I had a period when I was interested in learning about Messianic Jews and went to a couple Passover Seders put on by Hope of Israel. He said, "I know Sam!" And I laughed and told him I had recently gone to Hope of Israel for Shabbat and was able to meet Sam afterwards.
I was telling the women in my Bible study group that I don't say a word in Sunday School. They laughed and were incredulous. Why not? I don't know. I want to be anonymous. Why? I don't know.
I've been dragging my feet at joining this church. And it wasn't until last night until I had an aha moment as to why and to why I want to be anonymous. About an hour before I went to bed I jumped on a social media platform to see what everyone is saying. I saw so many posts where people weren't going to step into a church again. That Christians have been so ugly to them. I read for probably an hour and my heart just broke.
The neighbors we are to love, the people we want to model Christ to, want nothing to do with the brand of Christianity that is front and center these days. And I get that. I want no part of that kind of Christianity either. Christian Nationalism has somehow infiltrated American Christianity. Not all churches. And not all Christians. But it has gotten into the nooks and crannies of some Christian hearts. They have been hardened. And they are very vocal.
I follow pretty closely what is going on. I study the Pew Reports on religious landscape and have been discouraged at the rise of atheism and the Nones - people with no religious affiliation. They predict within ten years the United States will be a post-Christian country. That means the population of Christians will be less than 50%. What is driving them away from Christianity? Sadly Christians are.
They saw the abuse scandals in the churches. The fighting over women and their roles in churches. They saw the ugliness with which some are treated. (I've written about this a few times years ago.) They saw during the pandemic the Christians who refused to wear a mask in their presence because of "their rights." They saw the mask free churches that defied county health ordinances. They've seen the ugliness in the way some Christians support their political candidates - spreading false information, slandering people, name calling, and being downright mean and they want no part of it. And now they believe Christians are trying to take their rights away, arming ourselves, being violent - and frankly they are afraid. They are afraid of the people who should be the most compassionate and merciful towards them.
And it seems to be getting worse. I saw a Christian woman post about going to a rally and she posted a picture of a t-shirt for sale there that she loved. It said "Not vaccinated" (picture of large assault rifle) and underneath the picture it said "fully protected." It was a menacing t-shirt to me. This woman posts a Christian verse or post (usually condemning a group's sin) and then a distasteful political post from some dubious source. Another Christian woman posts "Jesus is Lord" in one post and the next post is a meme of a baby with around it "If you voted to murder a baby, don't show up to church to worship God on Sunday." No! This woman does not know the Gospel. Christianity is inclusive, not exclusive. The Nones and the atheists want nothing to do with Christians like these. I'm not sure I would have stuck with my faith journey in the beginning had we had social media then. And I feel truly heartbroken that is what they think we are like. I have so many loving mature Christian friends who would never act like these people are acting.
What happened to showing the world the love of Christ? We are to be a unified body exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Look I get there is no perfect church because churches are made up of sinners like me. I realize sometimes people are going to disappoint us. And I realize I at times have hurt some people with my snarky, sarcastic, abrupt tone in person and online. God is working on that. We aren't perfect. But the Christian Nationalists are on a whole different level of offensive. There is nothing compassionate or gentle in them. The truth is I don't want to invest my time and energy in a community only to find out they are headed in the wrong direction. I want a church that loves God and loves others. I've been observing, checking them out, looking for any of the exaggerated words, the false information, the racism, the slander... But all I've observed at this church is people who love kindness, love their neighbors, and walk humbly with their God. Our Lord cares about the heart and it appears their hearts are in the right place. My assessment: this church is a safe environment to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I think I've finally found my church home and I'm ready to know them and to be known.
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